SCREENWRITING
TIPS
By
The Undisputed Master
Polishing Crap!
When you polish crap, you get a polished piece of crap. You can
polish a turd till the cows come home, but it will never turn into
a diamond. So true is this fact, that when you shoot a crappy script,
an editor can polish the silver emulsion just so far before your
cellulose investment flakes, decay’s and just fades away.
When you start with Crap, you get…. You know…Go ahead,
say it!
You can’t
change the laws of crap and for all those that didn’t know it,
the word “Crap”, is an industry term. It’s used
to define scripts, production quality and usually Ben Aflecks latest
performance. Crap is a way of life. There is Crap everywhere. The
trick is not to step in it. It’s true that Hollywood puts out
a lot of Crap, and looses plenty bucks. But at the same time, a good
portion of movies made from Crap, banks a lot a spare change, and
at over nine smacks a pop, it’s a way to fill empty seats, sell
pop, and pay the pool man bills during the filler seasons. It’s
all part of the process and the movie machine, and we all buy into
it. With the same token, Hollywood creates the most entertaining motion
pictures in the world. Both crap, and the good, working together in
harmony. The trick to Hollywood success is to have a Crap to entertainment
ratio that falls in your favor. The Vegas book of odds clearly states
that a movie will have a greater chance of success if it stars bankable
A-list talent, lots of action and sex, a know how director, and most
importantly, starts with a good script,
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Good,
it just has to be good, that’s it. Not great, not fabulous,
just not Crap. Now how hard is that? We’ll, I hope your sitting
cause 99% of screenplays tossed about Sunset Blvd are classified,
US-MPAA 100% CRAP! That’s why there are so many Crappie movies.
Most agents start in the mail room. What the hell do they know? Not
a hell of a lot. Seen any of those new Holiday flicks yet? Guess what,
Jim Carey is playing the Grinch again under a new “Limeny”
title? Hollywood creates a lot of Crap. Most write Crappie, life should
be good? But no, not so. If you’re starting out and trying to
get noticed among the Crap feeding piranha, you’ll have to work
harder and fish for that group of one per centers, the pond scum.
The non-bottom feeder group with the tastier treats. You need a Good
Script.
Writing
the good script, easy right? Sure it is. Every writer thinks his
or her script is the next Badda boom. It’s greater than cake.
Ever see the Tim Burton remake of Planet of the Apes? Five Directors
turned the project down based on the script. Why? Crap! The final
movie was a perfect example and having Michael Jackson’s face
all over it made no difference.
So, what
is today’s screenwriting tip? Want to know how to fix, repair,
and polish a scripted piece of Crap? First you get a shammy, a little
spit, toss it around and shoot the hoop. Throw it out, re-write it,
start over, have a pow wow, go to sleep, call your mother….
do anything but what ever you do don’t shoot it! Take your time
before you send it out. Have other people read it. You should read
it. Ask your self how much would you pay to see it? Can you twist
a sequel out it? And like they did with “Gone with the Wind”,
never stop rewriting, and never settle for the plain old good.
As
a wiser man than me once said. “You’re only as good
as your last picture. If you haven’t got a last picture, you’re
no good.”
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