If only the ethnic-reassigned Burt Reynolds had stayed naked on that bear rug.

I don’t remember the original 1974 THE LONGEST YARD starring Burt Reynolds, but I did see the 2001 Vinnie Jones soccer version, MEAN MACHINE. Here we go again, though this time, we have Adam Sandler as a former pro football player and, befitting a Happy Madison production, a lot of gay humor.

Think about it.

Disgraced point-shaver pro-quarterback Paul Crewe (Adam Sandler) is saddled with a hellion girlfriend, Lena (Courteney Cox), who drives him to bust up her Bentley and crash a few dozen cop cars. He is given 3 years in Allentown, Texas federal penitentiary. Upon arrival he is sent immediately to Warden Hazen’s (James Cromwell) office. Hazen wants Crewe to coach the prison football team against the guards. Hazen’s secretary is old and sexually hungry Lynette (Cloris Leachman, obviously needing the money). Lynette made me cringe. Are old women really this repulsive? Or was Lynette intended to make the prison trannies look appealing?

Crewe quickly establishes himself as a tough dude – he won’t be doing anybody’s laundry. His con buddy is Caretaker (Chris Rock) and his enemy is prison guard Capn. Knauer (William Fichtner). Warden Hazen might love football but he has neglected to notice that he has another ex-football star living in his prison, old-timer Nate Scarborough (Burt Reynolds).

Allentown is a rundown gulag where the inmates are all hardened criminals, but they spiritually unite as a “ragtag” team. There is even one obese guy on the field and one Native American illiterate! We never find out why any of them are doing time. I think it was selling pot and shoplifting.

Warden Hazen wants a good, high-profile game, but he also wants Crewe to lose. Should Crewe defy the Warden and side with his team of violent cons? Crewe finds self-integrity regardless of the consequences. He must like the prison lifestyle since no sane person would snub his nose at the Warden’s serious threat.

Since Sandler did not fare very well with veteran director James Brooks in SPANGLISH, he has returned to director Peter Segal, his director on FIFTY FIRST DATES and ANGER MANAGEMENT. Segal knows what is expected on a Sandler production and while this may be promoted as a comedy, it was another mistake well-intentioned. How about putting to rest remakes and finding some first-rate, fresh screenwriters with some new ideas?

THE LONGEST YARD
Paramount
Paramount Pictures and Columbia Pictures present a Happy Madison/MTV Films production in association with Callahan Filmworks

Credits:
Director: Peter Segal
Screenwriter: Sheldon Turner
Based on the film written by Tracy Keenan Wynn from a story by Albert S. Ruddy
Producer: Jack Giarraputo
Executive producers: Adam Sandler, Van Toffler, David Gale, Barry Bernardi, Allen Covert, Tim Herlihy, Michael Ewing, Albert S. Ruddy
Director of photography: Dean Semler
Production designer: Perry Andelin Blake
Editor: Jeff Gourson
Costume designer: Ellen Lutter
Music: Teddy Castelucci

Cast:
Paul Crewe: Adam Sandler
Caretaker: Chris Rock
Nate Scarborough: Burt Reynolds
Megget: Nelly
Warden Hazen: James Cromwell
Capn. Knauer: William Fichtner
Deacon Moss: Michael Irvin
Guard Lambert: Bill Romanowski
Battle: Bill Goldberg
Guard Garner: Brian Bosworth
Guard Engleheart: Kevin Nash
Guard Dunham: Steve Austin
Lynette: Cloris Leachman
Lena: Courteney Cox

MPAA rating PG-13
Running time -- 114 minutes

by Victoria Alexander