Earlier this year armed robbers walked right into a lightly guarded Oslo museum and ripped several paintings from the walls before the eyes of stunned visitors. They were even photographed by a passerby hauling out Edvard Munch’s masterpiece “The Scream.” Daring, exciting heists do take place in real life, but there is no such bold heist in AFTER THE SUNSET. (The stature of THE SCREAM indicates that this painting was stolen specifically for someone who wants it not to show it off but to own it. Now there’s a story worth telling.)

I am happy to relate that the beautiful cast got to enjoy a dazzling Caribbean location and Pierce Brosnan got to kiss Salma Hayek constantly. Salma shows off her body. Shirtless Brosnan also spends some time in bed with Woody Harrleson.

Max (Brosnan) is a rich, daring, brilliant jewel thief but he is reluctant to commit to marriage to his gorgeous co-thief Lola (Hayek). When Lola gets upset because Max will not take a few minutes to write his marriage vows, she packs a bag and walks out. Even though they have been together over seven years, they are still hammering out the wedding details? Max must beg her forgiveness and plead with her since she is the light of his life, the sunset, and the heart that beats within his body. Lola makes his life worth living.

I was embarrassed for Brosnan. Do screenwriters really think the unwashed women in the audience really fantasize about a Pierce Brosnan Alpha Male begging their forgiveness because they are lazy?

The story could not have been more sloppily written or careless. Screenwriters Paul Zbyszewski and Craig Rosenberg never bothered to research jewel heists and it shows. But they did a watch a lot of heist movies and clobbered together pieces from all of them.

FBI agent Stan Lloyd (Harrison) is incompetent. He has been tracking Max and Lola for seven years. During a ridiculous opening heist, Lloyd is left looking like a fool while a rare Napoleon diamond is stolen. Lloyd should have resigned from the FBI.

Max and Lola retire to Paradise Island where they live a fabulous life. Max sits on the beach while Lola practices yoga, plays tennis and has a life filled with vacation activities. But Max is bored because he has nothing to do but drink on the beach. Lo and behold, the third and last rare Napoleon diamond is on display on a yacht right within their grasp. Lloyd, all alone, comes to Paradise Island certain Max will steal the diamond. He has a gun and will work alone.

A local gangster, Henri Moore (Don Cheadle), expects Max to steal the diamond for him. Cheadle’s character is the only one written with a wink.

The writing is terrible and nothing makes any sense, especially Lloyd deciding to hook up with a local policewoman, Sophie (Naomi Harris), and hanging out with Max. And what is with the gay stuff between Max and Lloyd? I know Brosnan is desirable, but if an actor wants to expand his allure to a gay audience he really should do it in a more forthright manner (see A HOME AT THE END OF THE WORLD).

From scene to scene Max goes from clean shaven to having a few days growth of beard. Did the expensive cast mean there was no money left for someone to keep an eye on the continuity of Brosnan’s beard growth? This was a major distraction for me. Scruffy or clean-shaven? Was everyone too busy enjoying Paradise Island to care about the movie?

This is one of those packaged movies that are made solely because everyone involved sees it as a 3-month pampered holiday. Brosnan, finally liberated from James Bond, is free to work with Quentin Tarantino and should. I loved THE TAILOR OF PANAMA, but LAWS OF ATTRACTION was a serious misstep. Starring with Hayek sounded like a great, glamorous idea but without a good script and a director who watches the dailies, it is an insult to a paying audience that we have to watch you have a fabulous vacation.

AFTER THE SUNSET
New Line Cinema
A Firm Films/Contrafilm/Rat Entertainment production

Credits:
Director: Brett Ratner
Screenwriters: Paul Zbyszewski, Craig Rosenberg
Story by: Paul Zbyszewski
Producers: Beau Flynn, Tripp Vinson, Jay Stern
Executive producers: Patrick Palmer, Toby Emmerich, Kent Alterman
Director of photography: Daniel Spinotti
Production designer: Geoffrey Kirkland
Music: Lalo Schifrin
Costumes: Rita Ryack
Editor: Mark Helfrich

Cast:
Max Burdett: Pierce Brosnan
Lola Cirillo: Salma Hayek
Stan Lloyd: Woody Harrelson
Henri Moore: Dan Cheadle
Sophie: Naomi Harris
Luc: Troy Garity
Rowdy Fan: Chris Penn
Jean-Paul: Russell Hornsby

MPAA rating PG-13
Running time -- 108 minutes

by Victoria Alexander - FilmsInReview.com